The foibles of Tommy: traveling

Tuesday

4:30 p.m. Arrive at JFK. My flight is delayed half an hour to 6:30. No biggie.

4:45 p.m. American Airlines ticket counter. Somehow, I don't have a ticket. They tell me there's something wrong with my credit card and my address. I tell them I'm a computer scientist and that their website/backend is a P.O.S. so fix it. I get a ticket.

6:00 p.m. Flight status goes from taking off at 6:30 to N/A. Hmm ...

6:15 p.m. Gate attendant tells us our plane is late. Should land in the next half hour.

6:45 p.m. Plane lands. All good, should board soon ...

7:15 p.m. except that for some reason, our plane disappeared. Pilot/crew are here, no one knows where the plane went. Apparently maintenance took it for a spin.

7:45 p.m. They tell us they have no idea where the plane is, but that the maintenance crew is "taking it for a spin to make sure it's OK to fly." This is very disconcerting to me. Who cares if it works on the ground? That's not the important part.

8:15 p.m. We finally board. Hooray!

8:30 p.m. All set to push out to the runway! EXCEPT, the ground crew has left us at the gate, with no one to actually push us off. So we have to wait 20 minutes for a crew.

8:50 p.m. Push off, go queue to take off.

9:00 p.m. Next in line to take off, the pilot says! ...

9:01 p.m. Pilot announces that WE'VE LEFT A CART OF LUGGAGE ON THE RUNWAY BACK BY THE GATE. So we have to turn around and get it. AND since we've been on the runway for so long, we have to refuel. Will take another 30 minutes. SAD FACE.

10:00 p.m. Finally take off.

Wednesday

1:00 a.m. We land at SFO. I'm pretty loopy. Feeling very Hunter S Thompson. I had a lot of caffeine earlier, so that's having weird effects now.

1:15 a.m. Get to the Hertz counter. Guess what? THEY DON'T HAVE MY RESERVATION. But whatever, they have a million cars, we sort it out.

1:20 a.m. I start driving to MTV, in the AWFUL rain. Really slow-going, the wind does not mix well with my tiny car.

1:55 a.m. Take my exit. All good. Except ...

2:05 a.m. I am not paying attention and I go the wrong way for several miles.

2:15 a.m. I finally get to the the hotel. And I crash.

Thursday

7:00 a.m. Check out of the hotel. There's only a one-night stay on the bill. They tell me that the room clock turns over at 2 a.m., so technically I only had a one-night stay. Oh joy! Something good happened!

3:00 p.m. Great day. Got a lot done, getting ready for my second round of presentation. All's good. You know, I should check my flight status just in case ...

3:01 p.m. BECAUSE I BOOKED MY RETURN FLIGHT IN MARCH. ALASKA AIRLINES WEBSITE FAIL PART 2.

3:05 p.m. Rebook for Friday morning. HOPING this is the last of my troubles. We shall see ...

Things I'd Like to Do This Year

This is why you always check back on things, and take care of unfinished business.

I'm a big fan of cleaning house. This takes a variety of shapes and forms for me. I literally like cleaning house, in the sense that I don't like clutter, I don't like things to be sitting around for too long, I don't like things that aren't in their proper place. These are always calls for me to take action, which is a good thing. If I've left something out or in a strange place, it's because I intend to do something with it very very soon (else it'll drive me nuts!).

Another way I clean house is by keeping an empty inbox, 0 drafts, and 0 incomplete posts in my blog dashboards. If it's still in draft, that means I intend to publish it eventually. Otherwise, I want to delete it and move on.

This particular post has been in draft since the beginning of the year, and for some reason, I just now discovered that it was still floating around. I reread it, and had an interesting feeling while thinking about the resolutions I had made, and progress (or lack thereof) on them so far.

THIS is why we write down our thoughts, and process them later on. Before I started reading this, I was a little scared that the person who wrote this over 7 months ago would be a different person than I. I strive to change and adapt, but also to be the same person at the core no matter what. I was pleased to see that I'm still the same person, with the same core goals and personal drive.

So here goes ...

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(Originally written on January 5th, 2010)

I'm starting a fresh year.

Start doing volunteer work again.

I used to be very good about volunteering at least once a week, usually doing a mixture of adult computer classes, music classes at housing projects, and cat shelter work. My move to London really screwed up my schedule and routine with these sort of things, and I just never got back around to it with the second half of my year being kinda crazy. Time to start giving some of that time and love back.

UPDATE: I haven't done this at all this year. There's still time, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm going to sign up for some NY Cares event today.

Continue to "train" friends at the gym, and maybe look into formalizing exercise and/or nutrition advice.

I've always enjoyed somewhat of a consultant role when it comes to friends' exercise routines and even diets. The amount of pride I hold with regards to knowing this subject area, especially as it applies to a healthy and happy lifestyle is quite large. While continuing to nurture the existing relationships and routines I already maintain, I'd like to start a blog, or offer my services, or do some freelance training work this year. Not even for pay, but just to get myself out there and see what it takes.

I could start a (oh GOD, don't say it dude!) blog on exercise and eating. Or join up with some sort of NYC meetup group. Or find ways to volunteer in this area as well. This is again about giving something back, and encouraging people to live healthier and happier lifestyles. Allow them to focus more on the other more important things that I don't know how to figure out!

UPDATE: Been doing a good job of this actually, at least in terms of training. We've thrown some ideas around for a blog/application for weight training, so maybe that will still happen.

Record an album.

Even if I have to buy it for all of my friends, The Birds of War need to release something. How else will I prove to my children that daddy was once cool? The internet probably won't even be around by the time they grow old enough to understand.

UPDATE: Basically did this! Except we changed our name, ha! My band Between Wars recording a 7-song demo, which led us to start playing gigs and get a new drummer. Hopefully we'll record something more polished towards the end of the year.

Visit at least 3 new states.

Vermont, Rhode Island, and Oregon top the list. I've rode on a train THROUGH Rhode Island, but haven't ever actually gotten out.

UPDATE: I'm close! New Hampshire and Maine have been visited so far, but I'm still down one state. Plenty of time and opportunity for this though, and a Vermont trip is definitely on the mind.

Take a class at a university.

Creative Writing would be excellent, more specifically something for short fiction. Horror-specific if possible.

UPDATE: WILL HAPPEN. I've looked a bit at some writing classes, and I just need to dig a bit deeper to see what I really want to spend the time on.

Start relearning French.

I used to be so good at it! I rekindled my interest with a trip in April to Paris, where I had to navigate an awkward situation involving several Americans and some non English-speaking French landlords over an inheritance question. I would love to be able to hold minimal conversations without having to think so hard about it.

UPDATE: I've tried to start chatting with a few people at work every now and again, and have been looking at taking a French class this fall. We'll see how this one turns out.

Go to a Knicks and Rangers game.

Not a hard thing to do, just need to pencil the dates in! Hard to believe that such an avid sports fan as myself can spend nearly 5 years in a city without once attending a live match of their flagship franchises. Giants/Jets/Mets/Yankees all taken care of.

UPDATE: Missed both again, the season went by so fast. I did however make plans with some friends to definitely do this next year, so it's on. I'm not too torn up about missing this goal.

Cook dinner IN more often than not.

Been spending way too much money on food that really isn't that good for you (and I don't actually know what's in it anyways) and could be saving money on booze by buying in. This one better be checked off pretty soon.

UPDATE: This one is a success one week, and a miserable failure the next. One of the problems is that I recently moved into a brand-new apartment in my favorite part of town, which means much easier access to my favorite restaurants. Also, the summertime is the worst time to try and stay in at night, so I'm hoping for a happy turn of events once the weather starts to cool off.

Not So Random Acts of Kindness

I am a firm believer in karma and positive energy. Positive energy begets more positive energy.

We all want to be nice people. We all want to call ourselves nice, warm, loving people, and honestly want others to think the same thing of us. Who doesn't? You'd be lying if you said you'd rather have someone refer to you as a jerk or an asshole. You just don't. It's not hubris or ego. This is a basic black and white, good vs evil sort of thing. There's nothing wrong with being nice, and we should all be nice, and would all like to be called nice.

Sometimes, we have to really make an effort to be nice. It's interesting how easy it is for us to sit and think "I wish I would be more nice to this person" or "I shouldn't have said that to that person" or "I should have done that for her when I saw her struggling with that" ... there are lots of scenarios like this that often go through my mind, and I assume yours as well.

There's never going to be a time when you'll always do the right/nice thing without having to force it. You'd never learn then from your mistakes, or would never be able to come up with the right balance. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice being nice to get the job done, or to actually do the "right" thing. That doesn't mean we can write those actions off though. We can either make amends with the person later, or simply recognize the fault and make up for (again) with more positive energy in the future.

Reading that back, some of it seems contradictory and hypocritical. There is no right answer to this kind of stuff, you just have to balance and continually revisit your actions and how you're living. I like that though. If everything had a definite answer, life would be no fun, we couldn't differentiate right from wrong, or real vs. imagined. It's all amazing to me.

That being said, I recently noted a few things I did which not only made the person I aided/helped happy, but internally gave me a warmth and externally a smile which helped me get on with or get through my day. Again, the mutual benefits from being nice are just priceless.

The Brand New Shirt (or the emperor's new clothes or something like that)

The other day I was walking to work, a guy who was obviously in a hurry (kinda shoving through the throng of people exiting the 14th street subway station) was wearing an obviously brand new dress shirt. Obvious in the sense that it looked new, and it still had a rather comically-large circular "LARGE" sticker the middle of the back.

I caught myself wondering for a moment where he was going and what he was doing. He had one of those leather binders you take to interviews filled with resumes, so I wondered if we has hurrying to an interview. Maybe he was late for a meeting? Maybe a client was waiting on him at a cafe?

I pulled myself out of daydreaming and tapped the guy on the shoulder. He quickly turned around, and looked slightly annoyed that something else was delaying him. I simply told him "Excuse me, but you have a sticker from the store on your shirt still." He stopped, turned his head, removed the sticker, and smiled. "Thanks a lot man."

He then continued on, but at a much slower and "normal" pace. I'd like to hope that moment snapped him out of whatever hyperactive fervor he was in, and hopefully whatever he set out to do that day, he did it well and successfully.

The "Insignificant" Tip


A few weeks ago, I went to the new Yankee stadium to see a baseball game. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I went to eat stadium food, enjoy friends, and imbibe copious amounts of expensive light beer, and preferred to have a baseball game be my soundtrack for the afternoon.

Going to baseball games always fascinates me. I constantly find myself wondering about the people there, where they come from, what they do, what's their home life like, etc. etc. A certain group of people I pay attention to are the vendors. It's a long hard job, and they have to put up with a lot of drunk slobs throughout the day, so I always try to go out of my way to be friendly with them, even if it's not returned.

I was at a Nathan's Famous stand, watching some of most awful people ever ordering their food. Barking orders at attendants, screaming for ketchup, telling people to hurry up and then blaming them when they miss an exciting play. Just frankly being assholes.

No one who is simply doing their job needs to be treated like that. I came up to the register when it was my turn, ordered two beers and two dogs, and gave the lady a 5 dollar tip. Her eyes lit up. It wasn't the fact that it was a 5 dollar tip (a dollar would have surprised her), I think it was just that moment that she realized someone there actually gave a damn about what she was doing, and she felt human again, and reprieve from the machine-like process of her day thus far.

She gave me the warmest "thank you" I can recall, and again changed a scowl to a smile. I continued to frequent her stand throughout the day, and we kept each other smiling throughout the rest of the madness.

Love

We all love acronyms. Working in IT, I see wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many of them on a daily basis. Let's make one up for LOVE, shall we? Here are 4 verbs I think are key to maintaining a relationship based on love. It can be a lover, family, or just a good friend. Love comes in many shapes, but for the most part, the same rules apply.

Learn

You won't get very far if you don't learn from your mistakes, successes, reactions, emotions, and advice from others.

Mistakes and successes make sense. You don't do the wrong thing again, and you keep doing the stuff that works well. Key being you can't JUST do those things. You always have to adapt and try new things, which obviously leaves you open to keep making mistakes, but at the end of the day we're all still human (most of us) and progress is what counts.

Come to know the reactions of your loved ones and what that means for you, as well as learn your own emotions when reacting in such situations. If you feel guilty for something, it may be warranted, and you need to be aware of why that is. If you feel bad for doing something, trust your loved one for guidance on whether or not that feeling is warranted.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for things that I shouldn't, only because it does involve someone I love, and not just myself or in some cases, people that I just don't care too much about (see another post about just being kind in general). I feel this is fine too, and perfectly normal, but you don't need to be able to recognize it and not dwell on it, or worse move that negative energy on to the loved ones.

Offer

Offer help. Offer guidance. Offer up positive energy. Make sure the other person isn't afraid to ask for things. After all, love in a way "entitles" each of us to think we have the capacity to both offer ourselves and get in return. Doesn't mean "yes" is always the answer, but the general feeling of "let's give and get" should be encouraged I feel.

Validate and Verify

Verify your love every once in a while. There's no official agency to accredit it, and no right or wrong way to determine it. But think about it.

We all go through phases where we take love for each other for granted, where we just assume that we still love them (and that they love us too!). I find it healthy to sit and examine your "love" relationships and ensure that it still means the same to you. If for some reason it doesn't, that does NOT necessarily mean that you don't love someone anymore, but that you really do need to work on something and get back to a point where you do, or it's simply time for that part of whatever relationship it is to end.

We all love in different capacities, shapes, and forms. The love I've held for some people has changed over the years (weak to strong, strong to weak, friend to love, etc.) and that's OK. You (and the other person involved) just need to be aware of it, for boundaries' sake. And sanity's sake.

Evolve

Kinda goes along with learn. Become not only different and more well-rounded people, but develop more well-rounded relationships with loved ones. Do new things, explore new feelings, look for the next thing to keep you excited and wanting to be part of each others' lives.

Some relationship are honestly just good the way they are, and that's fine. I do not believe that's the majority however. Keep things fresh. It'll be fun to recollect and say "Hey that was a funny time when we were all into vegan eating" or "remember when we played Connect 4 every Sunday for like 6 months?" I mean, that sounds a bit trite, but finding new ways to define your relationship and add flavor or color to them is key to keeping you aware and interested. Plus, it makes it that much easier for both sides to see "we need a change" when maybe things seem stale.

Summary


Love is a living thing that dies without proper care. Trying to dumb it down to a few simple rules is nearly impossible, and all we can really do is keep an open mind, and observe what happens around us, both to ourselves and to others. Love makes the world go round, that's all I know. And I feel best when loving, in love, and being loved. So I keep a close eye on love in my life and want to keep that a priority.

The Art of Saying No (sort of)

This is written from the heart, because at times I have found myself to be a huge people-pleaser. I can honestly say that now (and for a while) I've done what I felt is right and what I believe in, stand up for, but it was a long road to get to this place.

I strongly believe that until one can take care of oneself, one cannot fully take care of another human being. This might be oversimplifying things a bit, but the general idea is a truth. It's more about a state of mind really than singular actions or thoughts.

I feel people apply this sort of thinking to many facets of life: body (food, exercise, booze, sleep, routines), mind (reading, writing, music, art, entertainment), work (taking care of personal things throughout the day, not working too much, keeping stress low), and people.

The key is to just become comfortable with yourself and let your subconscious make all of your decisions for you without having to think too hard about any one thing. Listen to the inner you. Easy, right?

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(Note: the above pattern was caused my me wiping my laptop down with a napkin after the flight attendant just spilled some OJ on my keyboard. It's neat, so I am leaving it in. It might mean something.)

Now life is never this perfect, and we always have to make considerations and weigh options when making choices. But we do get closer and closer to ourselves in terms of trusting our gut enough to point us in the right direction.

I ramble yet again. Maybe I need to listen to my body and sleep more so I can focus more easily on the task at hand.

So yes, people-pleasing and worrying too much about what others think of you and how this can mess us up. Rather than construct a nicely flowing essay, let me make a few points and the rest of the connections should just fall into place.

* Saying "No" is healthy *

This is the most arduous and painstaking task of all. Someone simply asking you to meet them for a drink, but you don't want to drink at all. Or someone asking you to go on a trip and you're broke but had told them previously you could make it happen. Or someone suggesting a particular place for dinner that you don't actually like. Whatever the reasoning, there are times when we simply need to say no.

Now believe me, we all need flexibility, and have gone against what we thought was the bad choice and ended up in a very good or fortuitous place. These things certainly happen, and all help us find that happy middle ground. But that's not the point for now.

You might say yes and find yourself in a situation that makes you very uncomfortable. And you knew ahead of time the probability of you feeling this way.

You might say yes and not be in the right state of mind or body, and cause an adverse effect on others. No good.

You might say yes because you're worried that you'll offend someone, piss off a friend, not get a promotion, not get laid.

You begrudgingly accept someone else's choice, and you become bitter afterward.

Whatever the reasoning, we usually know when we should say no, but we don't.

* Glass half-empty vs. Glass half-full *

Go into any interpersonal encounter without your heart or mind into it, and it could be noticeable. Nothing is worse than you having to ask someone to repeat themselves over and over, not because you couldn't hear them, but because you weren't even paying attention. You can sense it in them.

If you know you need to be 100 percent, and you won't be, then say no.

There's something to be said though about just showing up. Sometimes, the situation warrants simply your presence. Sometimes presence can even be too much, so you still have to be aware before going in to it.

* Setting yourself up for failure *

Say yes all the time, and how are people (and more importantly, yourself) going to react when you say no? Maybe they'll think something is wrong with you. Maybe you'll believe you let someone or yourself down. Who knows! Who cares! The point is that you cannot make the best choices without saying NO to suboptimal ones first.

* They won't care if you say No *

One of the most brilliant and revealing aspects of a "saying no" refresher is that you quickly realize who true friends are, and what is most important to them.

I preface this again by emphasizing the motive behind the No. This assumes you have a legit reason, and aren't just a flake. We flake sometimes for sure, but when conscious thought goes into it, that's not an excuse.

Friends will realize that you have to take care of other priorities, settle other things up before you can commit your energy and care and love for them. They'll probably even offer to help you, because odds are they want you to be the best you can, and with that comes choices, and they'll know the choices aren't personal and are just part of a grander scheme.

Jesus. I just reread the above few paragraphs and I don't think they make any sense. I knew this was a difficult topic, but you've got to be kidding me. I made all A's in all my writing and English classes too!

So it becomes a cycle. We try not to people please by taking care of ourselves and doing things for the right reasons, yet this actually PLEASES the right people in your life, so we end up people pleasing anyways, and it becomes one big circle of pleasure. That doesn't sound right, but you catch my drift.

People on a Plane

There are certain things one just shouldn't do on airplanes. I write this on a plane now, hence the inspiration for such a topic. Allow me to construct a short list of those things which REALLY annoy me when I am on a plane. Things that are just downright rude.

1) Annoying children

A lot of what I write/feel/live by has to deal with positive energy, and being nice to people no matter how they act towards you, and generally just oozing positive energy in order to hopefully get some of that energy to those who need it. For a moment, I step away from that mantra, and enjoy a little pure hatred.

If you cannot keep your own kids under control, please don't bring them onto an enclosed vessel where everyone will have to witness your futility at being a parent. You don't want this much negative energy built up around your kid. They will carry a burden with them forever, maybe not knowing at the time, but having been around a large group of people who absolutely despise them. And would wish to kill them.

This kid in front of us has been pestering his mother and sister during the entire flight. He yells things like:

"Tell me when it is 6:30". And he keeps saying it. Obviously because he wants to make sure he doesn't miss Hanna Montana when it comes on TV. Little bitch. The kid, not Hannah Montana.

"MY SCREEN IS FULLSCREEN AND YOURS ISN'T", to his sister next to him.

"WHY ARE WE MOVING BACKWARDS?" while taxiing out of the gate. Idiot.

**** OK, now he's crying. The three of us are now discussing what is the easiest way to kill him. ****

* He's wearing headphones. And screaming. And pressing his face against the screen. It's getting a bit ridiculous. Everyone is watching. Now he is hitting his mom. This kid really sucks.

* Now he is fighting his sister. The father keeps looking back (he is one row up) and you can tell that he really wishes the situation would just resolve itself. This is the best birth control in history.

2) Farting

Are you kidding me? People actually fart on airplanes. This is one of the single most selfish acts a human being could commit. There are bathrooms on a plane for a reason. Also, don't forget that we're going to be sitting in the same air for hours on end. That fart isn't going anywhere.

**** NOW HE'S PLAYING THE "NO I AM NOT SITTING NEXT TO SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT". Stupid kid. ****

Back to farting. It's just plain wrong. Go to the bathroom. And the worst, don't act like you didn't do it. We all know you did.

3) Unprompt drink service

We're on a plane. What else do you do on a plain but drink? Please be quicker with the drinks. Thank you.

4) Pointless announcements

I love the announcement that goes something like "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going through some turbulence right now ..." REALLY??? I couldn't tell when the plane felt like it was shaking itself to pieces. I thought that was normal. THANKS.

OK I am done complaining now. I am actually enjoy my plane ride as I usually do. The kid is really what sparked my irritation. Planes in general are a complex exercise of patience and tolerance. And thanks to a healthy amount of flying in my life, I have hopefully become a more tolerant and patient person.

It's the little things (I think)

No matter what, I can say one thing: my life is far from boring and ordinary. And that pleases me to no end.

I think this is so for several reasons. One are external circumstances. Things such as the fact that my jobs have given me great flexibility in terms of the ability to travel, have a random work schedule, and travel to interesting and new places FOR work. I also have wonderful friends and random connections, have lived in great cities, and just happen to be in the right place at the right time a lot.

Another is my slightly manic, adventurous, conniving, and self-destructive nature. The things that I think of (and follow through with), the mode in which I operate (I think I turn it up to 11 quite often), and my general maxim of "always look on the bright side" help greatly.

I think as a human being, I am 100 percent filling that role. We're all creatures of pleasure, and all I try to do is seek pleasure, do things that make me feel good, and try to let that pleasure seep into those I find that pleasure with. Wow, rereading that sentence, I feel like I should write a column for Penthouse about pleasure. I'll leave that out of this blog.

Anyways, I think I should expand more on these tenets at some point. But for now, back to the non-boring life I lead.

My non-boring life leads me to my current situation. I sit at JFK airport, awaiting a flight to Washington D.C., which will then connect me to Raleigh N.C. My flexible job allows me to take a Thursday afternoon flight and work remotely on a Friday. I'm heading to Raleigh because I have awesome friends I love who pull me there. So I'm flying to N.C. for a few days to have some pleasure.

Now, it's around 4 p.m., and my flight should leave in 30 minutes. I was SUPPOSED to leave at 1:30 on a direct flight, but that one was canceled due to plane maintenance.

I originally had a 7:30 flight booked to Raleigh, but paid some cash to fly earlier to avoid potential evening traffic delays in the sky. A lot of help that did. I'll end up (hopefully) arriving in Raleigh only about an hour before my original flight was set to arrive.

So I'm on a mini adventure now, sweating the connection times a bit, and generally just existing in limbo right now. I kinda like feeling like that at times. Airports give me a lot of comfort, because I am absolutely in control of NOTHING, and just have to be forced to exist. Sure, that's frustrating at times (like when planes don't work), but in general, I have no obligation or responsibility to do anything but find things to amuse (there goes a pleasure reference again) myself. Selfish me.

People should travel more. Not necessarily for the destination, but the travel process. It's invigorating! You're leaving town! Pack your bags! Who cares where, but in a few hours, you're going to be somewhere you weren't earlier in the day. New things await that your normal circumstances and routine might not allow you to experience.

Sitting in the airport today has been anything but dull, keeping my attention throughout my various frustrations and travel failures. The following things have occurred today:

1) Two parents teaching their kid to read by having him read a tribute magazine for Michael Jackson. It was strange.

2) Got to witness a Delta representative get on the phone with a 15 year old girl's dad to explain the cancellation situation to him, and watch the horror and fear creep up on his face during the call. Even though there is absolutely nothing that could have happened to the Delta guy, it's nice to see that fearing a girl's father is still mostly universal.

3) Got a whistle blown at me twice while almost getting run over by a guy driving the handicap/elder cart.

4) Was part of a photo shoot for a Delta ad, which was during our delay! The guy asked if people would mind not lying on the ground for the shoot, to which a collective guffaw was thrown.

5) Saw a kid with a "Jesus Rocks" shirt which was in a heavy metal font. Capitalism!

All in all, there's nothing absolutely crazy about my day, no story that is eating me alive because I need to keep sharing it over and over. No, just a slightly unusual day, and not being the norm is enough for me. It means that I cannot just say today was another day. I like that.

Who knows what awaits in D.C.!