This is written from the heart, because at times I have found myself to be a huge people-pleaser. I can honestly say that now (and for a while) I've done what I felt is right and what I believe in, stand up for, but it was a long road to get to this place.
I strongly believe that until one can take care of oneself, one cannot fully take care of another human being. This might be oversimplifying things a bit, but the general idea is a truth. It's more about a state of mind really than singular actions or thoughts.
I feel people apply this sort of thinking to many facets of life: body (food, exercise, booze, sleep, routines), mind (reading, writing, music, art, entertainment), work (taking care of personal things throughout the day, not working too much, keeping stress low), and people.
The key is to just become comfortable with yourself and let your subconscious make all of your decisions for you without having to think too hard about any one thing. Listen to the inner you. Easy, right?
The key is to just become comfortable with yourself and let your subconscious make all of your decisions for you without having to think too hard about any one thing. Listen to the inner you. Easy, right?
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(Note: the above pattern was caused my me wiping my laptop down with a napkin after the flight attendant just spilled some OJ on my keyboard. It's neat, so I am leaving it in. It might mean something.)
Now life is never this perfect, and we always have to make considerations and weigh options when making choices. But we do get closer and closer to ourselves in terms of trusting our gut enough to point us in the right direction.
I ramble yet again. Maybe I need to listen to my body and sleep more so I can focus more easily on the task at hand.
So yes, people-pleasing and worrying too much about what others think of you and how this can mess us up. Rather than construct a nicely flowing essay, let me make a few points and the rest of the connections should just fall into place.
* Saying "No" is healthy *
This is the most arduous and painstaking task of all. Someone simply asking you to meet them for a drink, but you don't want to drink at all. Or someone asking you to go on a trip and you're broke but had told them previously you could make it happen. Or someone suggesting a particular place for dinner that you don't actually like. Whatever the reasoning, there are times when we simply need to say no.
Now believe me, we all need flexibility, and have gone against what we thought was the bad choice and ended up in a very good or fortuitous place. These things certainly happen, and all help us find that happy middle ground. But that's not the point for now.
You might say yes and find yourself in a situation that makes you very uncomfortable. And you knew ahead of time the probability of you feeling this way.
You might say yes and not be in the right state of mind or body, and cause an adverse effect on others. No good.
You might say yes because you're worried that you'll offend someone, piss off a friend, not get a promotion, not get laid.
You might say yes and find yourself in a situation that makes you very uncomfortable. And you knew ahead of time the probability of you feeling this way.
You might say yes and not be in the right state of mind or body, and cause an adverse effect on others. No good.
You might say yes because you're worried that you'll offend someone, piss off a friend, not get a promotion, not get laid.
You begrudgingly accept someone else's choice, and you become bitter afterward.
Whatever the reasoning, we usually know when we should say no, but we don't.
* Glass half-empty vs. Glass half-full *
Go into any interpersonal encounter without your heart or mind into it, and it could be noticeable. Nothing is worse than you having to ask someone to repeat themselves over and over, not because you couldn't hear them, but because you weren't even paying attention. You can sense it in them.
If you know you need to be 100 percent, and you won't be, then say no.
There's something to be said though about just showing up. Sometimes, the situation warrants simply your presence. Sometimes presence can even be too much, so you still have to be aware before going in to it.
* Setting yourself up for failure *
Say yes all the time, and how are people (and more importantly, yourself) going to react when you say no? Maybe they'll think something is wrong with you. Maybe you'll believe you let someone or yourself down. Who knows! Who cares! The point is that you cannot make the best choices without saying NO to suboptimal ones first.
* They won't care if you say No *
One of the most brilliant and revealing aspects of a "saying no" refresher is that you quickly realize who true friends are, and what is most important to them.
I preface this again by emphasizing the motive behind the No. This assumes you have a legit reason, and aren't just a flake. We flake sometimes for sure, but when conscious thought goes into it, that's not an excuse.
Friends will realize that you have to take care of other priorities, settle other things up before you can commit your energy and care and love for them. They'll probably even offer to help you, because odds are they want you to be the best you can, and with that comes choices, and they'll know the choices aren't personal and are just part of a grander scheme.
Jesus. I just reread the above few paragraphs and I don't think they make any sense. I knew this was a difficult topic, but you've got to be kidding me. I made all A's in all my writing and English classes too!
So it becomes a cycle. We try not to people please by taking care of ourselves and doing things for the right reasons, yet this actually PLEASES the right people in your life, so we end up people pleasing anyways, and it becomes one big circle of pleasure. That doesn't sound right, but you catch my drift.
If you know you need to be 100 percent, and you won't be, then say no.
There's something to be said though about just showing up. Sometimes, the situation warrants simply your presence. Sometimes presence can even be too much, so you still have to be aware before going in to it.
* Setting yourself up for failure *
Say yes all the time, and how are people (and more importantly, yourself) going to react when you say no? Maybe they'll think something is wrong with you. Maybe you'll believe you let someone or yourself down. Who knows! Who cares! The point is that you cannot make the best choices without saying NO to suboptimal ones first.
* They won't care if you say No *
One of the most brilliant and revealing aspects of a "saying no" refresher is that you quickly realize who true friends are, and what is most important to them.
I preface this again by emphasizing the motive behind the No. This assumes you have a legit reason, and aren't just a flake. We flake sometimes for sure, but when conscious thought goes into it, that's not an excuse.
Friends will realize that you have to take care of other priorities, settle other things up before you can commit your energy and care and love for them. They'll probably even offer to help you, because odds are they want you to be the best you can, and with that comes choices, and they'll know the choices aren't personal and are just part of a grander scheme.
Jesus. I just reread the above few paragraphs and I don't think they make any sense. I knew this was a difficult topic, but you've got to be kidding me. I made all A's in all my writing and English classes too!
So it becomes a cycle. We try not to people please by taking care of ourselves and doing things for the right reasons, yet this actually PLEASES the right people in your life, so we end up people pleasing anyways, and it becomes one big circle of pleasure. That doesn't sound right, but you catch my drift.
